Category: Blog

My Journey

It is a very vulnerable place to revisit the memories almost 20 years later and share my divorce journey. It was a story I never dreamed would be mine. I am a pastor’s daughter. I grew up in the church, went to Bible college, and travelled in my own ministry for 8 years before I met a handsome, charming man at a camp where I was speaking and leading music. From the time I was a little girl, I dreamed of falling in love, getting married and becoming a mom. And that’s what I did.

But things are not always what they appear to be. Many of us are experts at putting on our strong, together face so others will only see the “perfect” side. As a side note, social media has elevated our ability to share our “amazing” relationships, and brag on our well-behaved, exceptional children. We post our photos using filters and beautifully worded captions for others to see and admire. Please remember that in all families and individuals are imperfections, brokenness, and sometimes overwhelming stress. Life is messy, not perfect. Don’t let appearances fool you.

In spite of how we looked on the outside, after 16 years of marriage, it came as a shock to most of the people around us when word spread that we were getting a divorce. And make no mistake, word spreads quickly – as do the whispers of whose fault it is and what must have happened. I went to counseling and had friends and family who cared deeply, but many days the darkness felt almost unbearable. Realizing that my children would be forever changed because of the divorce was also incredibly difficult.

My pain was devastating. For months, without warning I would find myself in a puddle of tears. And not just the trickle of tears softly falling down my cheeks – I’m talking about the heaving, ugly cry that shakes your whole body and leaves you exhausted and dehydrated. My life felt shattered. And as with Humpty-Dumpty, I was unable to put the pieces together again. It is terrifying to be facing life-changing decisions while dealing with brain fog that makes it impossible to think clearly. But here I was. No attorney, no job, no house, very little money and no clue about how to navigate this detour. I was so lost.

One of the difficult aspects of walking through the divorce process was that other people, even some who didn’t know me, felt qualified and entitled to judge whether or not I had made the right decision, the godly decision, the fair decision. Regardless of whether there is immorality, addiction, abuse (physical or verbal), abandonment or other factors that bring someone to divorce, the pain and sense of failure is devastating. And never is a person more vulnerable to the crushing blows of words, looks and judgment than when they are broken under the weight and grief of watching their dreams die as their marriage crumbles

During that time, it felt like the pain would never end. But it did. It took time, lots of therapy, wonderful family and friends who loved me through it all, and my faith that somehow God would redeem my story.

Several years ago, friends began to ask if I could talk to someone in their life who was facing divorce. Those women, like I had been, were hurting and needed support – someone who had been through divorce to give them some guidance about what to anticipate during the process. Using the internet to find an attorney or learn about getting a divorce is probably not your best resource.

So four years ago, I started a nonprofit called ReRoute to help women navigate the detour of divorce. We offer personal support/coaching, and based on their needs, we connect our clients with trusted professional resources to assist with legal, financial, emotional and/or spiritual needs.

This detour will end. A new normal will evolve. There is joy, wholeness and purpose ahead.

LeeAnn Courvoisier

Lucy’s Story

LeeAnn’s help to me when going through my own divorce, hearing her story, and knowing how passionate she is about helping people in similar situations easily allows me to recommend her. She truly cares not only that women get through the divorce process, but that they get through it well. Everyone deserves to not be bullied into something they don’t want or pressured into settling for something that won’t be beneficial to them, and that’s difficult to know and do when you don’t know the process, don’t have access to resources and don’t know whom to trust. ReRoute exists for this purpose, and LeeAnn is someone I trust wholeheartedly with everyone’s best interest in mind. She has taken her own story, along with what she has witnessed in others’ stories, and made it into something good that can serve others.

Sara’s Story

It has been almost 12 years since I first started talking with LeeAnn. My sister, who had worked with her, introduced us. Our first conversation was like talking to an old friend. I was comfortable telling her things I had not told anyone else. Although LeeAnn does not give legal advice, she coached me about the process and what to expect. When I was distraught about what was happening, she asked just the right questions and helped me find clarity so I could breathe and deal with difficult situations, even after the divorce was finalized. I would not be where I am today without the help and confidence of LeeAnn. I would recommend her to anyone going through a divorce.

Laura’s Story

When I was going through my divorce, I was in a new town with a new job with no local family. Like most people walking through divorce, I was overwhelmed and felt like I was being held underwater without drowning. Like many, I had never had the occasion to need a lawyer or legal advice and didn’t know what to ask, what to look for, or what to expect. LeeAnn was instrumental in helping me to know what things were important and needed thought and careful planning. Although she gave me guidance and could coach me, she also made sure I sought counsel from my attorney on legal matters. I had no one to go to court with me on the day of my divorce and was absolutely terrified. So many things flash through your mind while you are waiting your turn to be called before the judge, and LeeAnn was there with me, steady and calm, speaking words of reassurance to me that I wasn’t alone, that I was loved, and that I would get through this. Having her there with me was such a saving grace for me that day. I don’t remember much about that day, but I remember LeeAnn being there.

7 things I wish I would’ve known

I’m almost 20 years down the road from a difficult divorce – as if there is any other kind. Divorce is not on anyone’s bucket list. So when you have to face that divorce is your new reality, there is no time to prepare or figure out how to navigate this horrible journey.

Overwhelming emotions take over, and the brain fog from the devastating brokenness leaves you unable to think clearly – yet you are making life-changing decisions for not only your own life, but your children’s lives, too.

ReRoute was born from how lost I felt through the divorce process, realizing how desperately I needed guidance to help me avoid some of the pitfalls.

Here are seven things I wish I would have known:

  1. The divorce process will take longer than you anticipate, especially if children are involved. The state-required waiting period does not equal how long it will take for your divorce to be final. Take note: Patience will be required no matter how wonderful or aggressive your attorney is.
  2. You are not in control – as if you ever were. And you will not like all of the decisions that are made. This is probably one of the most difficult things to accept. You now have to play by the rules of the court. Even if you and your spouse can be civil to each other through this process, it is tough watching your life be split into his and hers. You will feel helpless as you watch your life spinning out of control.
  3. Emotions will escalate. Regardless of your normal temperament, it is rare not to have some intense emotional moments. More than likely you will experience frustration, anger, betrayal, brokenness, more anger, exasperation, grief and more frustration. The sense of not having control of your life, your kids and your stuff (see No. 2) absolutely will create a level of emotions you never expected.
  4. Children have big ears and tender hearts. I know now that being behind closed doors in my bedroom or walking outside did not prevent my children from overhearing conversations with attorneys, close family or friends when I was discussing the divorce. Huge regret for me. No matter what is “truth” during your divorce, the kids don’t need to hear. Bite your lip until it bleeds, go for a walk and scream, take a drive (if you can leave your children alone for a while). But do everything you can to protect your children from the ugly emotions surrounding the divorce.
  5. Divorce does not end your relationship with your spouse if children are involved – it just changes it. You are forever connected because of the kids. Be prepared that even after the divorce is final, if children are involved, issues will arise that cause you to revisit Nos. 2 and 3.
  6. You will not do this perfectly. You will have regrets. In life, none of us makes the best choice 100 percent of the time – and I assure you that no matter how hard you try, you will still look back and see things you’ll wish you’d handled differently. Ask for forgiveness. Forgive yourself when you mess up. And lavishly give grace to yourself and others.
  7. This too shall pass. Sometimes it can feel like it will NEVER be over. But this is only a detour. Some detours take you a long way from the path you were on, but eventually you will get back on track. You will find a new normal. You will laugh again. You will not forget what happened, but it will no longer cause you to break down in a puddle of tears. The anger will subside. Your kids will grow up, and you no longer will have to figure out schedules in two houses. Really – this too shall pass! Actually, I would suggest putting, “This too shall pass,” on a sticky note on your bathroom mirror. You will need the reminder often as you walk through the process.
  8. Yes – I can count but I decided to add a bonus that piggybacks on No. 7: BREATHE! Divorce is hard. You are tired. You are overwhelmed. You don’t know if you can keep going. So stop – seriously, do this right now – and breathe! Take a long, deep breath and know tomorrow will come. (Cue music for “I Will Survive!”) You will get through this!

LeeAnn Courvoisier